I’m so sorry my friend, but in this case I think splitting hairs is warranted. Here’s my take:
first off, in this specific case, @sedgequeen expressed that her decision was due to trauma and distress she has experienced in the past. I really think you should be more lenient towards her, as this is a case in which you both have legitimate boundaries that are conflicting.
refusing to use someone’s pronouns can look one of three ways:
- passively not using their correct pronouns.
- saying “I’m not going to use your pronouns”.
- actively misgendering a person.
all of these are misgendering, but 1) is not inherently hateful and even 2) can be, sometimes, in appropriate context, tolerable. 3) is just hate speech.
1 → passively not using their correct pronouns. maybe they’re lazy. maybe they forgot. correct them. if it becomes truly egregious, then a formal warning is needed. a sign of apathy after the first correction, but about 80% of the time I’ve found that the person was just… ehhhh…
2 → saying “I’m not going to use your pronouns”. this is a very common dog-whistle. it’s used as a way of denying dignity and humanity and agency to trans people. however, it is possible that a person may not be aware of its more sinister meaning. I believe that is true in this case. but the vast majority of the time, it’s being used with malicious intent.
3 → actively misgendering a person. remove that comment and if they do it again suspend them.