While this discussion has been going on, there have been other goings-on behind the scenes which prefectly illustrate the point that different people’s backgrounds lead to different ideas about what is rude. I’m not going to go into the specifics, but those goings-on tie this thread directly to another one: Neurodiversity and iNaturalist! - General - iNaturalist Community Forum.
It is apropos that the thread I just linked began with
That sets the tone for what I need to say here. I just went through that other thread looking for points that could bring much-needed context to this one. Surprisingly, I only found one.
One thing that was not directly addressed in that thread was that social norms do not come intuitively to us autistic folks. We can learn them, but it is more like academic learning or vocational training: we need someone to point it out or explain it to us. Now, in the behind-the-scenes conversation (this is the only specific I am going to mention), one person expressed anger at me, saying, “I hope I don’t need to explain why it is a major violation of social norms…”
Well, actually, yes, you do.
Honestly, that conversation was really upsetting for me. I thought about muting this thread, and even whether I ought to block someone. It was the judgmental way it was said, as though to say, “what’s wrong with you that you didn’t automatically know this?” I believe that I speak for many autistic people when I say that’s the story of my life. But I can’t really blame people because for neurotypicals – somehow they do automatically know this. I can’t really expect it to cross their minds that what is obvious or self-evident to a neurotypical mind might not be to an autistic mind. Instead, I’m thankful that they did straight up say it instead of expecting me to guess. Every time I think I’m getting better at social norms, I discover new ways in which I am not. It’s distressing that at my age, I’m still so far behind. But I’ve learned to separate the content of these rebukes from the tone; now there’s another social norm I’ve learned, which I can use going forward, and I’ll process the feelings in time.
Tying all this back to the thread topic: whether there really are more people with autism spectrum disorders nowadays or whether it’s just that fewer of us are going diagnosed, one possible reason why it might seem like people are getting ruder is because the online world – and especially niche-interest platforms like iNat – brings us into contact with more people who have these social processing difficulties.